Therapy, Sold On A Dream

When I first got sober back in 1991 I stayed in an isolated state for about a year. I wasn’t very sociable. Yes I had friends and yes I was in a relationship. As a matter of fact, the woman I was in a relationship then is now my wife. Without her being so supportive, I don’t think that I would be where I am today.

I didn’t have much money but had enough to build a makeshift recording studio in a spare room. The studio consisted of a Tascam 16 track cassette recorder and a used sound board. I had an old fender amp and a Peavy pa head. I had invested in an Art FXR sound effects machine that consisted of about 450 programs. For instance, Chorus, Flanger and a digital delay.

What I did after that was just create. For that year I did nothing but write and record. Sometimes I would stay in that room for 12 hours at a time. In some kind of strange way this was therapy for me. I must admit that what I did give myself was the time to reflect on my life and heal my mind.

Think about it, I started drinking when I was 10 years old in 1967 and didn’t look back until 1990. I was 33 years old and a total wreck. For one full year I spent time in a program that I will cherish for the rest of my life. After all, that is what they gave me back, My Life.

On another post I will tell you just how much of a wreck I was.

I wrote this piece while in that isolated state. One day I will post the music that accompanies it.

By the way, if anyone out there has any stories about recovery or any related subject, I would love to have you as a guest writer. Just leave a comment or write me at: blogging@digitalstores.biz After all my goal is to be helpful to others and stories of self destruction are a god sent in helping to educate those who think it’s cool to obliterate themselves

Sold On A Dream

Listen to the sound in my mind
My girl by my side, so very kind
Living day by day, trying to create
Feels so good to know that she’s my loving mate

I’m sold on a dream
Nothing feels so good
Increase my self-esteem
I knew she understood

Moving day by day, pushing towards my goal
Listen to me play, I begin to rock & roll
I know that in my mind, this is where I want to be
Nothing feels so good, makes me feel so free

I’m sold on a dream
Nothing feels so good
Increase my self-esteem
I knew she understood

Listen to the sound in my mind

So I Stare

Here I sit by my window
Watching the world slowly go by
Thinking thoughts of yesterday
I shed a tear and cry

I can’t hear what’s never been spoken
How can you see what’s never been there
These are questions I can’t answer
So I stare

Daydreams are visions; they tell us who we are
You shouldn’t let them pass you by
Hang on to what you believe in
All we have is what we are

Here I sit by my window
So I stare

Interpret This (The Answer)

This is it guys, Here is the full explanation for this riddle. I was hoping that someone would have figured it out but it didn't happen. Some came close but not quite.

Anyway, here we go....

Although I never saw you coming
I was never blindsided by your light

I have received comments in the past that have given me such gratification that I would ride that high for a week. It's hard to explain but I expected a comment from that person but never expected them to be dead on where my thoughts were.

Interpret this

You are not my faithful follower
Yet you follow me around

Enter Social Networking; Lets just use Blog Catalog, Facebook and Twitter for example. You develop a certain friendship with people over time and as you explore other networks, you usually run into some of the same people.

I find you in population
Yet your not there for me

Sometimes you develop relationships with certain people and think you know them pretty well. Well, this is not always the case. I have developed a friendship with some and found out about a dark side that I really didn't want to be associated with. Just my experiences over time.

You devour everything in sight
Yet spew it back as if bulimic

A testimonial of your perception
A tribute to the cause

Think about the Digg Network. Everyone scrambles to grab a story before anyone else reads it. Enter it on Digg and develop new contacts. This is a great traffic builder.

Hindsight is usually your strong suit
Your perception always grand

What is the definition of Hindsight? Perception of the significance and nature of events after they have occurred.

Yet what is this I speak of
Do you really understand?

Keep going!

Yes I heard it through the grapevine
Yes I told you and yours

Yes you gave it back with dignity
Awaiting all its glory

Again think of what you usually write about. Most times you write about what you are thinking about at the time. I have been down this road many times where I read someones post and had no choice but to react to what I read as I was so taken by the subject. You don't really have a choice but to write your own views on the subject.


But who and why, who knows
Perhaps I’ll shine the light

Or maybe you instead
What is this?

OK, OK! You must have figured it out by now. All of this comes down to one thing. This in nothing more than what we are in this cyber world.

We Are Bloggers

The Answer Is BLOGGER

Thank you all! I had a lot of fun doing this. I hope you did also.

Interpret this

I decided to write this riddle for you to figure out. Pass it on to all your friends or anyone you can think of and leave your answers in the comments. I would really be interested in what the final outcome will be.

Pass this on to everyone you are connected with so I can accumulate as many answers as possible. This time next week I will tally all the results and post it here. I will also reveal the answer.

I think this will be a lot of fun and I am curious as to how many will respond with the right answer.

The more that answer will make it interesting to all who read it. Lets see how deep the answers can get. So come on and rally all your friends and lets get some answers.

Although I never saw you coming
I was never blindsided by your light

Interpret this

You are not my faithful follower
Yet you follow me around

I find you in population
Yet your not there for me

You devour everything in sight
Yet spew it back as if bulimic

A testimonial of your perception
A tribute to the cause

Hindsight is usually your strong suit
Your perception always grand

Yet what is this I speak of
Do you really understand?

Yes I heard it through the grapevine
Yes I told you and yours

Yes you gave it back with dignity
Awaiting all its glory

But who and why, who knows
Perhaps I’ll shine the light
Or maybe you instead

What is this?

With And Without

Remembering Old Friends

This piece is dedicated to the remembrance of old friends. I moved to a small town called Rosendale when I was 6 years old. Rosendale is located upstate NY. Just outside of Kingston. It’s a small mountain town and is where my heart still longs for today.

The poem I am introducing to you today is a reflection of that time and mainly about a friend who I grew up with. He has since died and I reflect once in awhile about our life such as it was.

Brian was my best friend. We hung out, cut school, partied and did most everything together. I could go into detail about our life but I think it would take a lifetime to put into words.

Brian died at the age of 27 and the way I found out was a total shock to me. I had moved on, was married and living in Portsmouth NH. Every year I would visit my parents who still lived in the old house I grew up in. I would come for a visit and always visit Brian and his grandmother who he lived with. We would hang out, party and always have a great visit. We would always be the best of friends and always happy to see each other.

To make this story a little shorter, one day I was visiting my family in the summer of 1983. It was sort of a family reunion and I was home for the week. The very first day I was home I had to walk down to Brian’s house. I couldn’t wait to see him. To my surprise someone else answered the door and said the people who lived there had moved away. They said that the guy that lived in the house was found dead from an overdose of drugs. His grandmother found him and had a heart attack and was under the care of a nursing home.

I was in shock to find out the news this way and have never been the same. I blocked it out of my mind for many years until one day when I was walking and started to reflect. Anyway this is what I wrote with my best friend Brian in mind.

Folks, DRUGS KILL!

Brian, if somehow you can read this I wrote this with you in mind.

With And Without

As I walked down the street
Faces, oh so many faces

I turn to greet a friend
But he’s not there

When I turn around again
Faces so strange, unknown
Unlike a feeling I’ve ever known before

Nothing like a friend
To talk to when things are hard

But now you’re gone
It’s hard but I must go on

Even though your not there
I can’t help but think you are
And somehow it makes it all easier

What about this emptiness
A word that is used to describe a pain

Hurting is a teacher
It teaches me to understand

That nothing lasts forever
Nothing in this great big world
Anyone who thinks otherwise is a lost cause

Why am I here
A question I ask myself

What is my purpose
A reason for me to live this way

I was born of this world
I will live of this world
I will die of this world

Here’s to long lost friends

Becoming Self Aware For The First Time

As you may or may not know, I started drinking at the age of 10 and never looked back until the age of 33. In my opinion that is 23 years of pure dysfunction. I come from a large family and am second youngest out of ten children. Many parties and plenty of alcohol, I don’t blame my family though it is an easy excuse.

I didn’t write this post to become an AA meeting rather an introduction to this next poem that I wrote back somewhere around 94.

Let me set the stage:

For a couple of years I walked around with this notion that my dysfunction was a result of society and I felt that society owed me big time. I was in debt up to my eye balls and looked for the US Government to bail me out. To make a long story short, No One Is At Your Beckon Call. If you need help you had better be ready to go through many channels to get it. The US Government is not there to help you rather it goes like this.

The US Government, My Representation:

Hi, I represent the US Government and I am getting paid, and quite well I might add. I am here to process you into the system. I see hundreds a day and I don’t want to hear about your problems. You need money? Go stand in that line. You have mental problems, the medical line starts there. What! You just came out of a rehab. So what do you expect from me? I’m not the one who put a drink to your mouth. My advice is to get a job. I can’t help you with an alcohol problem.

A person who has fallen can be made to feel just like that. It is a humbling experience and I don’t wish it on anyone.

I’m The Man
Writings about self awareness.

There’s a man I know who sells flowers on the street
Who can make a lady smile while he puts a dollar in his pocket

He’s a wicked old man that relates to the fact
Not unlike the man we know as the Politician

You can stick your nose where it don’t belong
But when you pull it back you will find it’s grown a little long
So take that dollar bill and put it in your pocket
I’m sure you’ll find you will need it on a rainy day

Sticks and stones and name calling was a thing of the past
You are in need my friend; you’re upside down and inside out
As this big old world turns round and round
So give me a home where nobody roams and the only thing that blocks out the sun is a tree
And I will show you the man with a sense of reality

If I can’t make you understand then let me take you by the hand
I will lead you on a journey, I will mislead, oops, I mean lead you through the land
You are after all what make this big world turn round and round
As I can only tell you that I’m The Man

Thunder

I wrote this piece in 1991 for a show that was created called "Surrender". I don't know if you are familiar with a Libretto. A libretto is a form of musical where you have your screen play and a separate section for the music.

For the next few posts I will be introducing to you a series of songs in lyric that I wrote specifically for this production called "Surrender". Surrender is a story of a man in addiction who has hit his bottom and is starting on the road to recovery. He has joined a long term recovery program. The story takes you through what it is like to experience what every recovering person goes through.

Understanding why I wrote these lyrics will help you understand them for what they truly are.


Thunder

Living in peace, is a time
When all evil is at end
The infinite flow of time
Glides slowly through the hands

Like a warm breeze blowing into a cold.

I don’t understand, the treacherous ways
Of living in a sinful space
When serenity lies, in the hand
I just have to turn and face it

Like a warm breeze blowing into a cold.

When I look in my mind
The infinite glow of memories,
Some good, some bad
Run slowly into each other and the crash of thunder

Like a warm breeze blowing into a cold.

See the never ending veins of lightning
Crashing through my heart
As the sun shines through my eyes,
And warms my face

Like a warm breeze blowing into a cold.

The thunder lies within
Crashing through you like a stampede
Ravaging your soul
And sifting through the pieces that you’re left with
All in all

Like a warm breeze blowing into a cold

Nothing To Laugh About

Why do I feel the way that I do
When I’m upstairs in my head
When the world comes crashing down upon you
I should be laughing instead

But what is there to laugh about
When the whole world is crying
Just a smile won’t help anymore
The world needs something
But I don’t know what it is
At least I know I need more

Just to be happy is all that I ask
And not to feel dead inside
The frown on my face is only a mask
I’m putting it all aside

But what is there to laugh about
When the whole world’s in self destruct
People just don’t understand
Well I can procrastinate
And just sit and stagnate
I’m just washing my hands
Of what we just don’t understand

And I Dreamed It Was Real

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of something of yesterday
Applying what I know to something of today
Dreaming dreams that only memory can envision
Such is a time of only indecision

And I dreamed I saw a man who had fallen
And I dreamed he was battered and broken
And I feel for that man every time I see him
Though he’s just a memory to me now

When I think of all the strife and hardship I’ve endured
You realize that simple things, should not be ignored
But I remember how it was and will not be again
Yes I admit that I submit, to myself be friend

And I dreamed I saw myself who had fallen
And I dreamed I had battered and broke him
And I feel from the pain, yet I dare to explain
Of a time of self destruction

Who and what we are, is what we do
Who and what you are is up to you
I am one who learned from my own discretion
Rather than curl up and die with no reaction

And I no longer dream this distasteful distraction
And I no longer dream of repeating my actions
For I am that man and the dream was real
For I am that man and I am here to reveal

By: Donald B. Dousharm

DEDICATION:

I was reading a story from a friend and thinking about my own experiences and decided to pull one of my poems for this particular post. When I wrote this I was living in the woods with nothing but nature for shelter. I used my hands and skills to create a safe haven for my dwelling. He has inspired me to quite possibly write my own story one day.

I would very much like to dedicate this poem to a friend. He has lived through a hell that only the experienced can describe in such detail. He is a Writer and a Human Being in the most profound sense of the word. I am proud to call him my friend.

Please read about his experiences in his own words.

The Hobo Days

Out Of My World

Out of my world I find that its reality,
I never knew I lost myself to fantasy.

I hadn’t the time of day to waste on simple things,
Like family and paying such a price results in tragedy.

Out of my world I never saw the other side,
Stability, security was not a fact of life for me.


Why am I so blind, with a world of love outside my door?

Open it, step inside, step inside the world is all.

What are you to me escape to reality.

You want me in your world, but how do I leave mine?


Out of my head I find that I exaggerate,
Procrastinate; I never knew what I was doing anyway.

I never looked to see what I was missing most,
Pure insanity, productive yet compulsive vanity.

Out of my world I find that I have nothing
A negative, an adjective to describe an attitude

Why am I afraid, when all I have to do is open up the door,
Step out of my world and into yours.

My Hat Is Off

My hat is off

Here’s to the people who have succeeded in getting under my skin

My hat is off

Here’s to the people who have managed to get their own way, even if it’s wrong

My hat is off

To all the selfish bastards who think the world owes them a living

My hat is off

To myself in spite of all this, in all this time I have not resorted to drowning my sorrows and saying hell to it all

My hat is off

To my love, who has absorbed some of my negative energy And converted it to positive thinking

So please, please all of you

My hat is off

Won’t you please, take a bow

Let It Rain

I went outside for a walk today
And found I had a lot to say
Mother Nature was calling my name

I told the stream I was walking by
Not to rise to fast or to get to high
Cause I like to sit and watch the fish swim by

In the pouring rain
I was feeling kind of old
In the pouring rain
I was searching for my soul
In the pouring rain
I found my pot of gold
If the sun don’t shine tomorrow
Let it rain

I felt the wind blowing through my hair

Yet still I sat and didn’t care

The lightning flashed and the sky began to cry

The cold rain fell upon my face
I felt my heart begin to race
Embrace me Mother Nature, don’t let me go

In the pouring rain
I was feeling kind of old
In the pouring rain
I was searching for my soul
In the pouring rain
I found my pot of gold
If the sun don’t shine tomorrow
Let it rain

Generations Apart

I’ve got a lot to learn
As time stands still I have a moment
Having all the time left in the world

Seeing all the little children playing out their roles
Playing catch, hop scotch, tag and hide and seek
A child is building mountains in the sand
Climbing up and looking over all the land

I’ve got the world in my hands
Seeing all their happy faces, not a care
Remembering when I was a child, wiping my tears away

Memories and imagination running wild, longing for the past
An endless thought of running through fields of green
From child to adult with nothing in-between

Time and time again, I am within

In A Pondering Way

Oh to see the sun in morn

On hills of old though weather scorn

Shade trees wave their arms, so free

And stand so bold in front of me

Oh such whispers my wondering ears

Revealing secrets of so many years

Oh bold and wise one, so free

I feel your secrets speak to me

We are so like, you and I

As we stand and watch the world go by

Yet you are poise and stand your ground

And my impatience holds me down

The time has come for me to go

And I will try to take it slow

Thank you for helping me to mend

Oh tallest tree I call my friend

Just Fade Away

Where are you going my fine young friend

The path that you follow has come to an end

Your journey continues but which way to go

So many choices but only you know

The world that we live in moves quickly you see

Make your decisions or just cease to be

For death comes to quickly for those who stand still

So follow your dreams accomplish at will

So many voices will echo the way

And so many listen the words they say

And those that deny will squander the day

And slowly but surely just fade away

Where are you going my fine young friend

The honor of ages are left to defend

A trendy yet subtle approach to the day

And when you speak they will hear what you say

For age does not maturity make

The wisdom of years have all been a fake

For wisdom won’t come with the number of years

But how will you stop and open your ears

So many voices will echo the way

And so many listen the words that they say

And those that deny will squander the day

And slowly but surely just fade away

So where are you going my fine young friend

Empty Blue

Oh the people on the street look into their eyes

Look into the eyes of all the people that you meet

What do you see

What do you feel

What do you want

Is it real, oh is it real

Oh the people on the street have no faith in themselves

Have no faith in you, their eyes are incomplete

What do you want

What do you get

What do you take

Do you fret, oh don’t you fret

Oh the people on the street, they look into our eyes

They look into the eyes of all the people that they meet

They look at you, they look at me

With Empty Blue

Harmony

To love in this world is a wondrous thing

You praise every moment that life brings

Having the courage to share in a soul

The darkest of secrets no longer a hold

To share in one life of intimate realm

The passion and pleasure that overwhelm

Acting a child in spite of your age

The presence of joyous youth without rage

Now the storm has blown over and the sky becomes clear

The presence of singing bird songs, so dear

As the sun shines so warmly down on our face

Shows the grace and beauty of a wonderful place

If grace and beauty were husband and wife

Creating a child to share in their life

Is tenderly held so lovingly

Who carries the name of Harmony

Wayward One

In your eyes I see a lonely emptiness

Stricken by the fears of all you see

Perhaps mistrust in past is all you know

But do you see the same inside of me

Wayward one, inside the sun

The warmth of a thousand lifetimes has begun

To be one, in the sun

May I be the one to ease your pain

Or will you go on pushing me away

Friendship is the only thing to gain

That’s all I have to offer you today

Wayward one, inside the sun

The warmth of a thousand lifetimes has begun

To be one, in the sun

I’m telling you that I am lonely, just as much as you

And you need me this much is true, and I the same of you

They say everyone finds themselves, to thine own self be true

I’ve found myself to be an image of you

Wayward one, inside the sun

The warmth of a thousand lifetimes has begun

To be one, in the sun

To be one, with the sun